Choose Your Own Nebraskadventure!

*Before you get involved here I will warn you that this game is like Jumanji, if you start and then stop halfway through giant plants will fuck up your living room.

1. In early April you receive a phone call from an enthusiastic old man who calls himself 'Doc'. Doc offers you a summer job at a small theater in Nebraska. He tells you that you'll be acting in three different shows and serving as the theater's house manager. You consider Doc's offer, and then respond:

A.) "No, thanks. I don't value money or onstage experience." (Continue to number 12.)

B.) "Yes, thanks! Although I have reasonable apprehensions, I'll accept your offer!" (Continue to number 2.)

2. Having accepted Doc's offer, you receive an official contract in the mail and sign it. Weeks later some scripts and your role assignments arrive. You read the scripts. Although you don't actually COUNT your lines, it's clear that you have fewer lines than any of the other male company members. You briefly meet an alum of the theater whose first reaction to hearing you'll be the house manager is to hug you and apologize. Your apprehensions grow. You:

A.) Back out of your contract. Maybe you aren't meant to be an actor. You reconsider your career path. (Continue to number 11.)

B.) Remain resolute in your conviction to have a productive and educational summer. (Continue to number 3.)

3. The school year ends. You enjoy three weeks with your friends and family before you leave for Nebraska. On the night before your scheduled departure your friend Scott confesses to you that he's loved you for eight years. Resisting Scott's overt sexual advances you:

A.) Graciously refuse his offer of uncompromising commitment and redouble your efforts to pack your belongings for the long summer ahead. (Continue to number 4.)

B.) Ungraciously refuse his offer of uncompromising commitment and redouble your efforts to pack your belongings for the long summer ahead. (Continue to number 9.)

C.) Accept his offer of uncompromising commitment. (Continue to number 10.)

4. You leave for Nebraska. About halfway there it becomes apparent that your car will soon require more gasoline in order to continue functioning. You stop at a gas station. You fill your car with gas and head inside the station to exchange currency for the good you've received, as is expected of you. On your way to the counter your eye is caught and held by a display of impulse buy items. Reaching into your pocket you discover that you have only two dollars in cash. You decide to spend this two dollars on novelty items and pay for the gasoline with your credit card. You purchase:

A.) A lighter shaped like a handgun. (Continue to number 6.)

B.) A lighter shaped like a baseball bat. (Continue to number 6.)

C.) A lighter shaped like a fishing pole. (Continue to number 6.)

D.) A lighter shaped like a lighter. (Continue to number 6.)

E.) Something that's not a lighter. (Continue to number 5.)

5. You get back on the road and arrive at the theater at around noon. The company meets for the first time at one, so you decide to head up to the company residence to settle in for an hour before the meeting. Arriving at the residence you meet the other members of the company. They greet you enthusiastically, and you:

A.) Meet their enthusiasm in kind, talking extensively and animatedly with them about yourself, your aspirations and your interests. (Continue to number 7.)

B.) Respond quietly and unenthusiastically. You sit in the background while they get to know each other. (Continue to number 8.)

6. You get back on the road and arrive at the theater at around noon with a lighter in your pocket. The company meets for the first time at one, so you decide to head up to the company residence to settle in for an hour before the meeting. Arriving at the residence you meet the other members of the company. They greet you enthusiastically, and you:

A.) Meet their enthusiasm in kind, talking extensively and animatedly with them about yourself, your aspirations and your interests. (Continue to number 7.)

B.) Respond quietly and unenthusiastically. You sit in the background while they get to know each other. (Continue to number 8.)

7. The company quickly tires of you. You've ruined any chance of forming meaningful relationships in the first twenty minutes. You fall into a dangerous cycle of self-loathing and drug abuse. On your 23rd birthday, three years after your social meltdown, you overdose on Diet Mountain Dew and slip into an aspartame induced coma. (THE END.)

8. Once again everything you learned in middle school is disproved and being antisocial pays off. At the first meeting everyone quickly becomes aware that you're the most knowledgeable member of the company. In addition to your own duties you teach the set construction crew how to construct a set and the costume design crew how to sew. You teach a company member how to juggle. You become involved with most of the female members of the company, though none of them have knowledge of your relationships with the others. At the end of the summer president Obama approaches you and asks you for your help with the war overseas. You quickly and effortlessly win the war. World hunger sees how bad you beat up poverty and makes a run for it. You let him go. You sternly ask the sun to stop globally warming the planet and he's pretty cool about the whole thing. You write a blog making modest claims and underplaying how badass you really are. (THE END.)

9. Scott goes into a murderous rage and murders you with rage. (THE END.)

10. You and Scott live happily for about three months until his terrible taste in music and general lack of imagination drive a wedge in between you. You move on, he doesn't. (Continue to number 9.)

11. You become a doctor and make a lot of money. You're emotionally and artistically unfulfilled. Your world is a cold, sterile place. You die alone. (THE END.)

12. You spend the summer playing video games and crying. (THE END.)